Why No Means Yes

All our lives we hear the phrase, “No means no.” And it’s true, in most instances. However, in the midst of a D/s roleplay scene, No may, in fact, mean Yes. How so? Let me explain.

D/s and Power Exchange

In the world of Dominance and Submission, a subset of BDSM, there exists something known as “power exchange.” Power exchange is where one person, known as the submissive, surrenders control of their bodies to another person, known as the dominant. Before any type of D/s play or scene occurs, it is necessary for both the dominant and the submissive to have discussions known as D/s Negotiation.

During the negotiation process, both parties discuss their limits and boundaries. Things they prefer not to do, but will if the other party wishes them to do. And things they absolutely will not do, no matter what. Also during negotiation, it is important to agree upon a safeword. A safeword is a word that, when uttered by the submissive, means the dominant must immediately stop the scene in progress. Safewords are for occasions when the dominant crosses those boundaries or when the play is too intense for the submissive.

What Is a Safe Word?

The reason why a safeword is needed is because part of the thrill of submission is begging the dominant to “not” do something or “to” do something in the hopes that the dominant will follow through. The dominant, of course, is under no obligation to comply with the submissive’s pleadings. And, at the same time, the submissive does not really expect them to comply. The submissive begging for something and the dominant denying it is part of the pleasure deriving from the power exchange. It’s the safeword that stops the dominant for times when the submissive really does need the activity to stop.

The Importance Of Aftercare

Aftercare refers to the care given to the submissive by the dominant after a BDSM scene completes, to help prevent subdrop. Subdrop is a state of depression, sometimes even accompanied by flu-like symptoms.  The submissive experiences it once the euphoria of the scene wears off. This state of depression and general malaise lasts anywhere from a few hours to a few days. It depends on the submissive and on the quality of the aftercare given by the dominant. Aftercare becomes especially important after an intense scene, particularly if there was a need to use the safeword.

When No Means Yes

The “no means yes” philosophy exists in nearly every aspect of BDSM, which is an acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism. While each of these subsets have their own set of rules, the safeword rule is one that applies to all of them. Even limits and boundaries agreed upon in negotiation may be more than the submissive can handle when they are actually put into practice.

If there was no safeword in place, a submissive’s pleadings to stop may be taken by the dominant as part of the fun of the scene. This could cause both physical and emotional damage for the submissive, and even for the dominant, once they realize how the submissive has been damaged. Putting the safeword into place assures everyone involved that the regular begging and pleading is all part of the scene.  That even though they are saying “No” they really mean “Yes.”

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