D/s Etiquette

Etiquette is an important part of the D/s or Dominant/submissive relationship. Admittedly, it’s probably not one of the first things we contemplate when either focusing on etiquette or thinking about a relationship involving BDSM play. But, without this very important etiquette, the relationship will fall apart.

One of the very first lessons in etiquette requires a definition of the relationship. Should this be a “love” D/s relationship, there are certain aspects that allow for more leniency. For instance, in most relationships, the Dominant is always in control. This is the understood standing and the submissive follows along. In a more loving relationship, this can change, depending on the circumstances.

Very often, when dealing with friends and relatives who are not in the lifestyle, or when not directly engaged in play, the D/s relationship is more relaxed. How a submissive acts is always a negotiation between the two partners.  In most relationships, though, etiquette dictates enforcement by the Dominant partner at all times. They can tone this down in public settings. But for most D/s relationships that aren’t “love” relationships, it is always present and respected in some way. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T in BDSM

Which leads us to one of the first rules of etiquette in a D/s relationship – respect. Respect is the reigning ruler of all BDSM relationships. This respect encompasses the boundaries and limits set by both the submissive and the dominant partner. Always allow one another the freedom to choose what is comfortable and exciting. Never force anyone either unprepared for something, or into any undesired aspects of the relationship. 

Respect in the D/s relationship is essential when discussing not only limits, but personal space and belongings. This includes when properly addressing a dominant. Normally, when in public or non-play settings where others, who are not part of the lifestyle may overhear, use names instead of titles or places.

However, as a sign of respect, a submissive, in all other instances, should remember to always address only their Dominant partner as Mistress or Master.  Speak to other Doms in a respectful manner, such as Miss, Ma’am or Sir.  At the same time, it is disrespectful for a submissive partner to call another dominant,”Mistress,” when they are, in fact, not their partner.

D/s Relationship: Hello, I’d Like You To Meet My Sub

Introducing yourself is another opportunity for etiquette to come into play. I’m going to assume, in this case, that you are in lifestyle play.  And not out at the mall, meeting co-workers.  Even then, though, observe this as closely as possible. Dominant partners may introduce themselves to one another. Dominants speak, or not, to any submissive partner they choose, assuming they have already spoken with their Dominant owner.

Submissive partners, however, are always required to wait to be introduced. If they are speaking to just another submissive, they may do that on their own. But, they should never presume to speak, for any reason, to a Dominant partner who is not their own. And, especially, to whom they have not been introduced.  If you are dealing with those not in the lifestyle, the submissive partner either waits to be introduced or always introduces their Dominant before speaking with the new person themselves.

In other words, you should never call and chat with a Phone Sex Mistress for hours before mentioning that you have another Mistress and then asking to introduce them. You must always tell us immediately, in proper etiquette terms.

Gender Bending, Switching and Sanity In D/s Relationships

As you can see, everything in the D/s relationship goes back to respect. Respecting yourself and one another. The Dominant partner recognizes a submissive’s needs, but, at the same time, excludes them as part of a conversation. At all times, when you are speaking with other Dominant or submissive partners, you have to remember to always address them properly.

No matter what you may know about the partner, you should never make assumptions. If a Dominant or submissive is introduced as female, regardless of your knowledge of their biology, you are to speak to them using only the pronouns that define that gender. Sometimes, we all like to be acknowledged by what we feel, not by what we are perceived to be.  So, in the BDSM lifestyle, the way to embrace that is to always speak to someone as the gender and position you are told they are.

This covers both cross-dressing and the lifestyle relationships where both partners like to switch and may take turns being the Dominant or submissive partner. As long as you practice respect at all times, and acknowledge that all play be safe, sane and consensual, you should have no problem remembering the few rules of etiquette in a D/s relationship. If you can’t…Your Mistress will whip you into shape.