D/s Etiquette

Etiquette is an important part of the D/s or Dominant/submissive relationship, though is probably not one of the first things we think of when either focusing on etiquette or thinking about a relationship involving BDSM play. But without this very important etiquette the relationship will fall apart.

One of the very first lessons in etiquette requires a definition of the relationship. Should this be a “love” D/s relationship, there are certain aspects where more leniency is allowed. For instance, in most relationships the Dominant is always in control, this is the understood standing and the submissive follows along. In a more loving relationship this can change depending on the circumstances.

Very often when dealing with friends and relatives who are not in the lifestyle or when not directly engaged in play, the D/s relationship is more lax. How a submissive acts is always negotiated between the two partners though in most relationships etiquette dictates it be enforced by the Dominant partner at all times, this can be toned down in public settings, but for more D/s relationships that aren’t “love” relationships it is always present in some way and must be respected.

R- E-S-P-E-C-T in BDSM

Which leads us to one of the first rules of etiquette in a D/s relationship – respect. Respect is the reigning ruler of all BDSM relationships. This respect is for the boundaries and limits set by both the submissive and the dominant partner, always allowing one another the freedom to choose what is comfortable and exciting and not feel forced into any aspects of the relationship that they are not ready for or wanting.

Respect in the D/s relationship is essential when discussing not only limits but personal space and belongings. As well as when properly addressing a dominant. Normally when in public or non-play settings that may be overheard by others who are not part of the lifestyle names are used instead of titles or places.

However as a sign of respect a submissive, in all other instances, should remember to always address only their Dominant partner as Mistress or Master. Other Doms should be spoken to in a respectful manner, such as Miss, Ma’am or Sir, but it is disrespectful of a submissive partner to call another dominant Mistress, when they are in fact not their partner.

D/s Relationship: Hello, I’d like you to meet my Sub

Introducing yourself is another place where etiquette comes into play. I’m going to assume for the sake of this that you are in lifestyle play and not out at the mall meeting co-workers, though even then this should be observed as closely as possible. Dominant partners may introduce themselves to one another and speak or not to any submissive partner they choose, assuming they have already spoken with their Dominant owner.

Submissive partners however are always required wait to be introduced. If they are speaking to just another submissive they may do that on their own, but should never presume to speak to, for any reason, a Dominant partner whom is not their own and they have not been introduced to. If you are dealing with those not in the lifestyle, the submissive partner should either wait to be introduced or always introduce their Dominant before speaking with the new person much themselves.

In other words, you should never call and chat with a Phone Sex Mistress for hours before mentioning that you have another Mistress and asking to introduce them. You must always tell us immediately in proper etiquette terms.

Gender Bending, Switching and Sanity in D/s Relationships

As you can see, everything in the D/s relationship goes back to respect. Respecting yourself and one another. A Dominant partner cannot just ignore the needs of a submissive, but is not required to make them part of a conversation. However, when you are speaking with other Dominant or submissive partners, you have to remember to always address them properly.

No matter what you may know about the partner you should never make assumptions. If a Dominant or submissive is introduced as female, regardless of your knowledge of their biology, you are to speak to them using only the pronouns that define that gender. Sometimes we all like to be acknowledged by what we feel not what we are perceived to be, so in the BDSM lifestyle the way to embrace that is to always speak to someone as the gender and position you are told they are.

This covers both cross-dressing and the life style relationships where both partners like to switch and may take turns being the Dominant or submissive partner. As long as you practice respect at all times and acknowledge that all play be safe, sane and consensual you should have not problem remembering the few rules of etiquette in a D/s relationship. If you can’t…Your Mistress will whip you into shape.